Building a Marital Pick-it fence

No one goes into a marriage thinking that they or there partner will be unfaithful.In our martial vows we say that we commit to taking each other and to honor those vows for the rest of our lives. We literally promise that we will love each other and no other for all the days of our life. So why does adultery seem like common place in society? One main reason is that couples do not build a marital pick-it fence around there marriage, or in simple terms, boundaries.
We all have seen that home with the cinder block fence with bard wire on top, with a hell hound tied to a rusty chain that is ready to snap, defending the property with vigor and strength. The only way to the front door is through a large metal gate, and around the snarling guard dog. I don't know about you but that home does not seem inviting to me. In contrast we all have seen that, perfect comfortable middle class house with a sturdy hip high white pick-it fence. No dog, no chain, no gloom. This house seems more inviting however there is a clear boundary. There is only one way to the front door like the high protected house. For whatever reason the white picket fence gives a sense of order and protection to that house. What does this have to do with a marriage? Its simple, we must establish appropriate boundaries around our new family and marriage.
The Family: A Proclamation to the World, says “God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” From this quote we know that faithfulness to our marriage, to ourselves, and to our spouse is clear. That sacred power is only to be employed between husband and wife lawfully wedded. This is faithfulness. A marriage where this is happening is a marriage with appropriate boundaries. However committing adultery isn't the only form of infidelity.
Infidelity is defined as the opposite of faithfulness. From my readings this week I have learned that there are typically four types of infidelity, fantasy, visual, emotional, and sexual. Infidelity also doesn't always take two people to be committed. One person can fantasize over an image in there mind and heart, this is a form of infidelity. Some forms of emotional infidelity include flirting online with another person or fantasizing  in your mind a romantic relationship with someone else. To many, this may seem innocent because it may seem that no real action is taking place, that you arent physically committing adultery, however it is imperative to remember that our thoughts become things. It is so important to gain control of your thinking. Someone who actively committs infidelity in this way must look at where there desire lay.
Visually committing infidelity refers to pornography. This typically leads the viewer to act out physically and is probably the most common form of infidelity.
Romantic affairs can also be called, living a second life. This refers to being emotionally connected to another individual other than your spouse.
With all forms of infidelity the consequences are always the same. It leads to a lack of spirituality and emotional issues, and depression for both the person acting out and there spouse. It may be hard for people to connect on a personal level in almost any relationship, and leads to a self indulgence attitude.
We must establish a marital pick-it fence. A pick it fence establishes where people can and cannot go on the property. It is a clear boundary that wont repel everyone like the cinder block dog guarded home will do but clearly states the boundaries to the property. Just like the pick-it fence we can defend against infidelity by building boundaries around our marriage, and be completely loyal to our spouse. We must draw a line in our marriage. We cannot afford to drive to close to the edge but rather stay away from anything or anyone that would lead us to being unfaithful. If its deciding to stop working out with my gym partner who is of the opposite sex, and is not my wife, or if its to never drive in a car with just you and another person of the opposite sex, or simply refraining from allowing someone to speak to you about there marital issues, can be good ways to building your marital pick-it fence. some other walls we can build around our marriage may include, Discuss marital issues with your spouse and not with someone with an attractive alternative. Don't take lunch or work breaks with the same person all the time.Don't ever try to be cute or flirty with anyone other than your spouse.
We must remain loyal and true to our spouse. From this weeks reading it said,"Many situations in work, in society, and in church assignments will involve men and women working closely together. All of these situations can be opportunities for emotional involvement to develop (Treas & Giesen, 2000). The task for every married couple is to maintain complete fidelity and loyalty to their spouse and none other."
People we must be loyal, honest, true, patient, kind, and loving toward there spouse. We must be on guard and build boundaries in our marriage if we want a long satisfying relationship. No two righteous individuals who love each other enter into marriage thinking that infidelity will occur. We cannot ever assume that it won't happen to us. We must protect our marriage, by daily, recommitting our whole heart and soul to our spouse, setting boundaries and fiercely remain loyal to them.

First, seconds, months, years

Marriage is a big word in today's world. For the past 20 years there have been major debates on redefining what marriage is. We have heard the debate over same sex marriage. I'm not going to write about this topic today however it is valuable to notice what has changed in society due to this topic. Weather same sex marriage is good or bad for society we can notice the impact this is having on what marriage actually is. If we went back 20 years ago what would they have to say about marriage back then. If we went back 50, 100, 200, or 2000 years ago, what would we gain from there opinion on marriage. What ever answer we receive we will know that marriage has been at the heart of society and humanity forever. Now, why am I bringing this up? Well, for the simple fact that marriage has, will, and will forever impact human life forever. What ever we as people on this earth decided in our governments what marriage is, there will be a consequence to those decisions, for good or for ill. So I want to change gears a little bit and focus more fully on the early days, months, and years of the traditional marital unit. What does this look like? What are we to expect, and how will this effect humanity forever?  So to begin, we hope that our engagement was fulfilling, informative, exciting, and a time of great preparation. I mention this because studies show that the way we act in our engagement will impact our marriage, especially at first. For example, if in my engagement to my wife, I really didn't have any good relationship with my in-laws, I cant expect that the min I get married those relationships will be instantly perfect. So, its important to start right. Now, within the first month of marriage what are some likely adjustments for a newly wed couple? Lets just assume that they never lived together prior to there marriage. This couple will have to adjust to sharing most everything. This include sharing income, space, time, and even there bed! Yes, their bed! Within the first month they probably had to go buy groceries, or pay rent. Now that they are married they probably wont be playing Xbox with there old roommates past curfew. Now that they are married they are planning there schedules together instead of just doing what they want when they want to. Now that they are married they need to adjust to sleeping with another person! In fact study's show that individuals sleep worse within there first 6 months of marriage than in any other time of there lives. Now what are some things a new married couple has to adjust to within there first year of marriage? Again they'd have to adjust to money, time, starting a family, problem solving, and extended family. These are some few things that new married couples have to adjust too. you can imagine the stress and or difficulty of planning family holidays. Who and where are we spending Christmas with!? How are we going to provide for a little human and how do we handle the stress of figuring out all of these new problems that we've never had to face, together!? As you can tell there are a lot of things that we have to adjust to. It may all seem worthless, or it may seem like the perfect life for you. The point that I want to make within this blog is not stating my opinion on political issues of marriage, or even the common general issues young married couples have to tackle. The point i'd like to make is the how part to it all. How can we be successful within these early stages of marriage? Here are some principles that I will not go into depth with but are core principles  I have gained from John Gottman, one of the worlds best marriage therapists and scientist. He says that Trust, Commitment, building love maps, share fondness and admiration, turn towards each other, be positive, manage conflict, make life dreams come true, and create shared meaning, is what builds a strong marriage. These are basic principles for your whole marriage. I believe that if we some how become experts at living these principles in our marriages we can be successful. These are not only principles for the duration of our marriage but are important to implement within the first seconds, months and years of our marriage.

Dating, Courtship, and Marriage

We all have seen Disney movies portray the perfect romance. The beautiful girl who has been locked away in the tallest tower, waiting for her true loves first kiss. A brave young prince riding on his valiant steed headed to save his new bride from the dragon, who guards the castle. As he approaches the gates of the castle, his eyes are set on the tower; on his soon to be princess. Jumping off of his horse he commands him to leave him to his duty. As prince charming opens the large wooden doors, which must way a ton each, he barely breaks a sweat. Standing boldly within the corridors, with valor and strength, he is faced with the fire breathing dragon. As the dragon roars with a roar so powerful that the sun is so scared it becomes night. However, as Prince Charming roars back with a sound of thousand dragons, the sun comes back up, and  the dragon submissively walks him to the princess's room, much like a bell boy in a four star hotel. " Thank you kind dragon for your hospitality, now leave me to my duty," says Prince Charming. (wow he's polite). Lying there in her beautiful garb, with roses in her hands, prince charming approaches her bedside. He leans over her to break the sleepy spell, and claim his bride. He leans in for the kiss...and we know what happens next! They fall in love, and live happily ever after!
Now is this true love? Does this thing only happen in movies? Well the slaying of a dragon and kissing a stranger who you've never met and instantly falling in love, really only happens in fiction stories like Shrek. However,what is the moral of the story? Is there a perfect match for me? It seems to me, that much like this story, we look for the perfect person when dating. We fall into the trap of thinking that there will be some perfect person to sweep us off our feet. Well the fact is that there will be no perfect person that we will ever date or marry. It is simply an unrealistic idea to think that there is just a perfect match. You can have a satisfying relationship with all kinds of different people, however that doesn't mean you can have a long term and happy relationship with everyone.
In the world today, especially in the United States there are many people who continue to put off marriage until later. Statistically we wait to get married much older than past generations. There has also been a huge increase in cohabitation. This seems to be the norm for most couples today. People want to commit with out the commitment. There have been many statistics on cohabitation. Essentially married couples are far better off than couples who cohabitate. Married couples have better health, couples who cohabitate and decide to get married are much more likely to get a divorce, and married couples report greater happiness, less depression, and higher levels of commitment in the relationship.
So what are we to do in our dating, and courtship to ensure a lasting and satisfying marriage. Well there are many components to this, so i'm only going to high light some basic principles. When dating we first must recognize that there will be no perfect man or women out there just waiting for us. Prince charming wont just come galloping on his horse to sweep you off your feet. You must be anxiously engaged in dating people. When I say dating don't just hangout, take people out on real dates. Do things together. Do things that might be out of your comfort zone, like rock climbing, cooking dinner together and dropping a meal off to  person you know who is less fortunate, have a picnic in the park as you people watch, or go to a social function like yoga on Thursday nights. During this time, be yourself. Set personal boundaries for your dates. Talk to your dates, get to know there interests and hobbies. Be sincerely interested in what they say. Go on group dates! When you feel like your relationship with someone is getting stronger and you both decide to get more serious, probably months and months of dating, you might want to begin the courting part of your relationship.
Because each relationship and person is unique, courtship will be unique as well. What do
I mean when I say courtship. It essentially means to develop a stronger friendship with someone in hopes of getting married. We stop casually dating other people and focus on giving our time and attention to that one person. I can't say for all when is the right time is, but it must not be a decision to be made lightly. We don't want to hurt and play with other peoples emotions. Courtship is a time to get to know someone more deeply. This is where you ask deeper questions. Modern day courtship might look like a change in relationship status on Facebook. This is not a real courtship. Its typically a time where both families support and instruct each person in the relationship. Those other relationships with your significant others families are beginning to take root. Essentially the difference in courtship and dating are the goals. The goal that i'm going to marry this person is not on everyone's minds when dating. When you feel like you have found someone you can live with forever, and if that person feels that way about you, your goals change. You look to marriage in courtship. Marriage is a big decision, but with good dating habits, correct perspectives, positivity, hope, goals, and a desire we can have long-lasting and satisfying relationships.

Like Father Like Son

Hello Again! What to start with? I'd like to recap on some of our past blogs. We have discussed family relations and family systems. We looked at what is a family and how our family cultures impact us today. However today I want to blog about my role as a man and share with you some of my experiences that have shaped my perspective on what makes a man a man.
When we hear the quote, " like father like son", we either cringe in an insulting way or give praise in a positive way. When a person says that to an audience the audience receives a certain assumption on not just the son but also the father. Now again whether it was said to uplift or put down we get a general idea of how these people really are. So the question that I pose is, what makes a man a man and how can he fulfill his role as male?
The answer to that question can vary depending on who you ask. An interesting idea however is that whoever you ask they will give you an answer on there opinion that has been shaped generally through personal experiences with there own father or father figure. Again, going back to family systems. Well whether that is true, It has become true for me. As we look around we see all kinds of personifications of father-hood, or manly-hood. Are these interpretations reality or have we simply missed the mark on the role that males play? Well I certainly don't believe in a man that is lazy and sits and watches football while his wife and children are living completely separate lives, to be the ideal male figure we should portray. Why is it then that we see this almost every where we look? Have we become men who can't give real value to society and most importantly to our families?
When I was 5 years old I was awoken by my father one early Minnesota winter. He knelt down by my bed and asked if I'd help him chop wood. Know being a five year old, I don't think I could even live an ax above my head without hurting myself. So why was my father asking me to help him chop wood. At five years old my ideal time was certainly not to go out in the cold to work really hard. I loved to be outside but that was my jungle gym not my workshop. So why was my father asking me to go out in the freezing cold to hit some wood with a sharp object for awhile?
So I grabbed my socks, snow pants, hat, gloves, and boots and headed to assist my dad. As I go outside I noticed that my father already started chopping wood. He asked me to pick up the pieces he chopped and neatly create a pile of wood a couple of yards away. Well it was a great time. It was cold but for the first time ever that I could remember I spent some one on one time with my father. Why do I share this story? Believe it or not but this experience really impacted my life and still does today.
As I reflect on this story I am taught some powerful principles of manly-hood. When my father thought to ask me to help him chop would, he didn't think that I'd be the best candidate for chopping wood. Rather I believe my father wanted to teach me some core principles of my role as a man. This first principle that I learned is that it is essential to show your children your good example. To help them know that you love them enough to go in the zero below weather and work for them. I also learned that having one on one experiences with your children and those around you is how you build a strong relationship. Much like the small stack of wood that I piled, its those small moments one on one that builds a strong foundations for a lasting relationship with others. I learned that we mus and can do hard thing even if we may not want to. My father taught me the importance of delegating responsibility and having responsibility to fulfill. Men must be anxiously engaged in good causes. I was shown through my dad example that as men we are to sacrifice our time and efforts in service to others. We weren't just chopping wood for the heck of it. We were chopping wood so that we can have a fire to warm the home for our family in those harsh winter seasons. This experience, however small it may seem changed my look on my role as a son, a husband, friend, and father.
So to me these are some of the core principles that men should live by in order to create value to the communities, homes, and families.

Cultural Diversity in Family

Cultural diversity in the family is the hot topic for this week! What do I mean when I say cultral diversity? What is a good definition of family? " Our definition of family, thereof is a group united by marriage or cohabitation, blood, and or adoption in order to satisfy intimacy needs and or/ bear and socialize children."Well lets begin with an analogy. A pizza consist of many different ingredients. This may also vary according to the kind of pizza that you like, but to keep things simple lets use a pepperoni pizza for this analogy. What are the core ingredients that make up a pepperoni pizza? In a pepperoni pizza you have the crust, the tomato sauce, cheese, pepperoni and maybe some extra pepper, salt, and oregano. Now, if you examined each ingredient individually, (not included vegetable oil, butter, yeast, flower ext.) you'd notice that each ingredient plays a role in the taste and texture of the pizza. By themselves they are valuable but together they make this grand and heavenly food called pizza! So what would happen if you didn't have the crust, would you really have a pizza? What if you didn't have the cheese or the pepperoni, would you have a pepperoni pizza? the answer to those question is no. Each ingredient is key to the making of the pizza. Much like pizza, our individual family members play a role in our individual family system. For example, my mom would be the crust of the family. She keeps us together and gives us purpose. My father would be the cheese. If you put to much cheese on the pizza it can overwhelm the other ingredients; however just like cheese on pizza my dad is an essential role in the family system. No we know not every family is the same, and this is the core of our discussion today. What we know for certain is that every family is different. Every family has there own way of handling stress, showing love,and doing day to day things. Families are unique! This perpetrates a discussion on the question, " why do we do what we do?" Now i'm not going to facilitate all of the philological reasons behind that question but I will give a simple suggestion, and that suggestion is, its because of our family system. Each family has there own culture. You know what I mean when I say that. We all know when dad gives that look that we better listen and straighten up. We know that when our brothers and sisters are sarcastic that that means they love us, or we know that when mom starts being a little louder in the kitchen when cleaning, she is feeling  little upset. Now this may not be your family but you can think about certain things that your family does that is unique.

What is interesting is that although we have a family that does certain things it doesn't mean that we will carry all of the same traditions into our own families. So how can one carefully choose the aspects of one culture to keep, and how do we perpetrate those into coming generations? As we know not all family culture is ideal for families. It wouldn't be ideal for my family if I sat at home watching TV all night after work each day. So one way that we can promote good culture is to be joined together with your spouse, be on the same page. Persistence is key. When trying to keep good culture in your family you may not always see instant results, but that doesn't mean that its not good or that its not working. It just means that you need to keep doing it, and one day your children will thank you for being consistent in those things. It may be very difficult to perpetrate good culture, and there may not be one solid answer for that, but each family needs to adapt to there unique way of living and find a way together to figure it out. Some other key concepts to live by are, giving positive feedback, and establishing rules.

Our family systems will ultimately impact us for the rest of our lives.We all have different family cultures. What if we changed that definition of family, and how would our families culture change? This impact in our lives will effect those around us, our community, our nation, and the world, for better or for worse. Literally our families culture is what promotes community culture.

Family Trends and Individualism

Alright everyone this is the first official blog post, posted by family gainz blog! I hope during this blog I can reflect on family trends throughout the world today, and what some call the population problem. Again, we are focusing on the family and ultimately how we can discuss these issues and evaluate and strengthen our families.

            Wow, Population Bomb, fertility rate, and individualism! What are we going to cover? Well if you have ever heard of these terms before or payed attention to the top paragraph, you’d learn that we are going to cover one of the hottest topics today. Let’s begin with this idea of individualism. The Webster’s dictionary defines individualism as, “the belief that the needs of each person are more important than the needs of the whole society or group.” Essentially focusing on oneself. There is danger in the idea of just focusing on your needs. My intention is not to proclaim moral truth here, however my intention is to point out the correlation between modern family trends and individualism. I just watched a video this week on street discussions in Europe. Random people were asked this question, “What is the ideal number of kids in one family?” Most, if not all of the people said anywhere between 1-2 kids per family. I find that fascinating! There was a follow up question asked, “why?” Why are those numbers ideal for a family? I saw that some people said that its to much money to have a big family, or that the more kids you have the more problems you have, and some said that one or two kids can get more out of life instead of having to compete with more. I myself come from a family of 6 kids so I’m naturally competitive, so I say bring on the kids! So, the question I pose is why is it that we see fewer and fewer people having bigger families? To cut to the core of the issue it falls to that strong, hard to hear definition, INDIVIDUALISM. Just to go back to what these people said we can see that its focused on how hard its going to be as a parent. It’s to much money, to many problems, and less competition. I would add that it is valuable to consider the trial’s that may come with having children, and I’m not trying to degrade or look down on anyone’s opinion, however it concerns me that a lot of these concerns seem to point toward individualism. Well why is that so bad?

            In 1969 there was a book written and published titled “ Population Bomb.” This book warns of mass starvation due to over population, and encourages action to decrease population growth. To be frank the book was very inaccurate in the predictions it stated. It was a huge hit and many people believed that zero population was the key. It also doesn’t help that during this same time the birth control pill came out. How did this affect families? Well if I read a book that said that having a large family is killing people throughout the world due to an excess of resource intake, or that I’m being selfish because I want to be selfless and raise a large family, become a good father and teach the rising generation good principles of good living and how that will lead to the end the world, I would probably not have a large family. I would probably reconsider marriage. If I believed these accusations than I would become a monk! As you can predict, we saw a decrease in marriages and a decrease in fertility rates. People believed in peace, pot, and micro-dot! Instead of getting married people cohabitated, which also affected marriage rates. Well if I could take a pill and stop me from having a baby than great! Lets just live together and do what married people do without getting married. Oh, to add to this I can now get divorced over whatever I want to. What did we see, yup, an increase in divorce rates. Also, feminism. Woman were now able to go to college and receive higher education. We saw more women in the working world. What did this do to kids at home? Baby sitters, day care. How did this affect the family? How did this affect society? Now, let me make something very clear. All of those things started with good, in fact great intentions. But where did we go wrong? Did we over do it? Did we choose to focus more on our own personal gain than the gain of our families, society, and the world?I feel we did. 

Individualism occurs when we become prosperous.

What family trends are we seeing today? How does society look at family now? How is my family affected by these trends? Why are we looking at these trends? Does this matter? Are we degrading the family today due to decisions made in the past? Are we ready and able to take action for the choices that were made in the past? 

Let’s motivate one another, be positive, and lets get these family gainz!

About Me

            My name is Joseph Joncas, and I come from a 6 sibling family. I was born along with my identical twin brother, in Akron Ohio. Due to my father’s employments we moved throughout the Midwest, and east coast. My parents are both originally from inner city Philadelphia, where they met. My mother was born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; however, she wasn’t active. My Father was raised catholic and went to catholic school growing up. They eventually met at a tech school in the city. They dated for 2 years. During those 2 years my father learned about the gospel and was baptized shortly after. They were married in the Washington D.C. temple. Through the years they began a family starting with my oldest brother who is now 35, and is a staff sergeant in the army. My sister followed shortly after, followed by two more brothers, and eventually my twin and I. My parents currently live in PA, where I spent my high school years at.

In high school I was a state athlete competing in track and field. I also was on the varsity wrestling team, cross country team, and football team. I enjoy participating in sports, wood working, and bodybuilding. I served a church mission in the Long Beach CA mission. I have been home for 18months. Since I’ve been home I have started college, I have gotten married, bought a puppy and am now perusing further education for my career. I am going to be a firefighter; however, I am a marriage and family major. My wife and I have been married for 7 months. We plan for me to get my degree, and then move to Las Vegas to pursue firefighting. I currently work as the student coordinator over custodial at Brigham Young University Idaho.